Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in redeyegirl's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, September 25th, 2005
8:15 am	40 weeks! It's been 40 weeks since my last journal entry. ha. apparently, I don't like sharing. *SURPRISE* Current Mood: amused (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 16th, 2004
2:33 am	anticipation. have you ever looked forward to something so much you were almost afraid to let yourself get excited about it? Current Mood: cynical (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 16th, 2004
8:31 am	For those concerned... Pensacola has been hit very hard by hurricane Ivan. Luckily, Nick evacuated in time but is still facing strong winds and tornadoes where he is. He's safe and that's all that really matters. No idea about his house, though. Hope for the best. Current Mood: worried (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, June 16th, 2004
3:46 am	Birthday!! Today is Nick's birthday. I'm grateful he was born and has grown up to love me. Yay! Everyone who knows him needs to wish him a happy birthday. Do it! Do it now! Current Mood: giddy Current Music: no music...serial killers on court tv! (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 27th, 2004
3:01 am	sex sex sex I've got sex on the brain. Sure, I've always been somewhat of a pervert but lately my mind seems to constantly be in the gutter. I'm sure it has to do with my knowing I'll be getting plenty of sex in 27 days. Yes, that's when my darling will return to me. 27 days. It seems like a long time until I think of all the crap I need to do before he gets here. I was driving around in a thunderstorm earlier, amazed that such great old songs were on the radio and thinking about all I wanted to post about. Now I'm just tired and want to go to bed. Current Mood: sleepy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, April 30th, 2004
3:12 pm	It's so much easier to write here when I'm happy or mad. Unfortunately, I'm neither of those right now. My heart is in my throat, my eyes are swollen and I want to hide from the world. I feel as if I've been hit by a truck and left on the side of the road to die as people just carry on with their everyday lives. Current Mood: indescribable (8 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 25th, 2004
2:02 am	Super Saturday! I have great apprehension about going places by myself. I don't know why, I just do. I've decided to change that about myself. I started today by going somewhere all alone. Mainly due to lack of dependability or availability of someone to go with but instead of just not going, I sucked it up and went. I enjoyed myself more than I thought I would. I think this might be an enjoyable change. Last night Nick and I got into a heated discussion. I won't call it an argument, but it was close. I'll assume the responsibility since it was due to my jealousy and insecurities. I don't get jealous often and I'm generally not an insecure person but every now and then that monster rears it's ugly head. I hate when we have heated discussions or arguments because I feel as if I'm wasting precious time. Not being able to spend time with him physically is hard and, in between visits, all I have of him is the time I spend on the phone with him. I feel guilty about being jealous because I know how much he loves me. I can't even begin to make excuses for being jealous since I think it's a silly emotion. Thankfully, he's more patient and understanding than many people realize. For that and many, many other reasons I'm considering things I've never considered for anyone else in this world. Scary. I'm either in love for real this time or I've finally stepped over the line into insanity. He called me again, right before he went to sleep...that meant more to me than he'll ever know. Especially since he doesn't read my journal (good or bad, I don't know). A couple of friends stopped over last night after being at a horrid club to see a doubly horrid band. It was great to see them and spend time with them. It's rare that I like both parts of a couple but I adore them both. I use to spend quite a bit of time with them and their kids but since moving to Louisville, I haven't. I need to change that because I do miss them being in my life. I've had a great day but I still don't know what to get my mom for mother's day. I'll feel better once I figure it out. Current Mood: content (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 22nd, 2004
4:23 pm	Changes Well, my intuition wasn't wrong. There was something going on but it wasn't as serious as I thought it would be. All better now. Good things are happening now! yayyyyy. Some big decisions might have to be made in the next 6 months to a year, though. I'm excited but also a little scared. I tend to be a creature of habit. I am not opposed to change but I am cautious with it. I wonder if Nick really understands that I am his biggest fan. I love him so much and I'm so proud of him. Current Mood: excited (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 19th, 2004
3:40 pm	Intuition Something isn't quite right. I can feel it, even if I don't know what it is. I hope I'm wrong, but when I get feelings like this, I rarely am. Current Mood: weird (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 17th, 2004
5:23 pm	Whew! It's warm out! Okay, not that I have actually been outside yet. I did open the window when I woke up today, though. I've been up for a couple of hours and I'm in a damn good mood. Especially considering how groggy I was when I got out of bed. I actually ran into the door frame coming out of my bedroom. I've never quite outgrown my awkward stage. Just a few thoughts I've had today...Red nail polish on my toes makes me excited about summer. I can't decide which sandals I want to wear today (so many choices!). A clean face with moisturizer slathered on it feels soooooo good. Cosmo, the mag, is so unintentionally hilarious. I wonder how many women take their advice seriously? Men get more attractive as they age (until a certain point, of course). Well, it seems that most of them do. I was going to straighten my hair today but given the heat, wind and it's change from wavy to straight (all on it's own, I don't understand it), I have decided against it. I'll just end up with a kinky mess at my scalp and fuzz, fuzz, fuzz. My hair has always had a wave or two in it but now it's just down right curly. So weird. Back to unintentionally funny things...rap videos. Sometimes they just crack me up. Some puzzle me. I don't understand 50 cent's latest fashion choices. Seems he is wearing, what I consider, girly tank tops almost all the time now. They're just shaped weird. I guess it's to maximize his exposure of muscles. I dunno. The man definitely is a sight to behold, from the neck down anyway. I just can't understand the girly shirts. Also, some of the women in rap videos. Uh...I wish I had the body confidence some of them have. Don't get me wrong, some of those women are just straight out bangin. Others...well, I admire their confidence if nothing else. I can hear the planes from the air show from my apartment, the local channels are covering the show as well. There have been people down by the river since before I got off work this morning. I can't imagine being out there all freaking day into the night. Erin and I always try to out wit the barriers Thunder usually causes. Street closings, traffic jams, crazy people at every turn...all just a game to us. We don't have a concrete plan as of yet but once we get a bit of alcohol in us, it will all come together. It always does. Derby time is usually fun but there are complications sometimes. I just found out I'm scheduled to work on parade day. Which means I'll have one hell of a time getting to work. I live a mile and a half from my job but I'll have to get on the freakin interstate and weave around downtown to get there on parade day. gah. Enough rambling, I need to finish off my toes with some hologram glitter top coat and get in the showa so the fun can begin! Current Mood: mischievous Current Music: Tina Turner: Proud Mary (Comment on this)
Friday, April 16th, 2004
5:29 pm	I did it. I went and had my hair cut. Eight inches off the length and long layers cut into it. I was tired of my hair, it was just long. That's it, nothing more. It's still long (to the middle of my back) but now it looks much, much better. I also had it colored. I was tired of the black. It's still dark but at least the black has been lifted to a brown. In a month and a half or so, I'll go back for caramel colored highlights. I can't hardly wait. My friend, with the relationship issues, is doing better. She finally talked to him about why they weren't having sex. It all went back to a comment she had made. Something about when men get up and leave after sex making women feel cheap. Well, he didn't want to make her feel cheap, so, made the decision to not have sex with her until he moved in and would be there through the night. Unfortunately, he didn't tell her about his decision. I feel as if she made the comment to try to manipulate him to stay the night after sex. That irks me because if that's what she wanted, why didn't she just ask him to stay? She isn't the only one at fault, though. He should have never made such a big decision without talking to her about it. I remember playing games such as this when I was younger. I eventually grew up and realized that playing games wasn't getting me the results I desired. I stayed out of anything even resembling a serious relationship for a long time because I had witnessed, and been part of, so many games. Even though I wasn't completely sure of what I wanted, I learned what I didn't want. I'm very happy with my current relationship (as if you didn't know). While it isn't perfect, it's definitely the most honest and open relationship I've ever been in. I'm not striving for perfection, by the way. That's unrealistic and childish. Tomorrow will be fun. Erin and I will go to Thunder Over Louisville, a huge fireworks display that kicks off the Derby festivities every year. There is an air show before the fireworks but I don't know if we'll make it to that since I work tonight and will need to sleep some tomorrow. When I went into work last night there were some of the pilots who will participate in the show. They were in their flight suits. Some of them were HOT. Just a little compensation for wiping asses, I guess. It's funny how grown men get all ate up about some retarded and/or medically fragile kids. I've taken my parents through my work place in the past and my dad has said many times, "I couldn't do what you do. I don't know how you work with those kids." My dad has been to war and seen horrors I hope to never see. He is a hard ass. A hard ass that gets all ate up over some retarded kids. I don't get it. But it was fun to soak in the admiration of some HOT pilots. Horrible, I know. It's suppose to be 80 degrees tomorrow, yayyyyyyyyyy! Current Mood: excited (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, April 12th, 2004
7:32 am	Why is it that when people break up with someone they start calling people they've dated (or done other things with) in the past? This irks me. I don't care that you're single now. I wouldn't even care if I were single too. There's a reason we aren't together doing whatever any more. Don't call me. Stupid, lonely bastards. There's a book club starting at work. I was going to join but they're holding the meetings at noon. That makes absolutely no sense to me and I don't think I care to sit around and discuss books with people who, from the get go, don't make any sense to me. It does have me considering joining a book club, though. I'm not good with groups when I'm sober. My anti-social behavior has become worse lately. I think it's about time I put forth some effort into changing that about myself. I'll have to look around and see what I find. This will be good for me. I'll have to make that my mantra and repeat it constantly. This will be good for me. I'm only going to get a few hours of sleep today before I drive to see my parents and have a belated Easter dinner with them. I think I'll be okay, I'm not in the funk I was in yesterday. I miss Nick terribly and with every holiday I'm reminded of the distance between us. Current Mood: lonely (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 11th, 2004
7:27 am	Some interesting things are going to happen soon. Some good, some maybe not so good. I can't wait, if for nothing else, the pure entertainment factor. In other news...I think it's time for me to do a priority adjustment. Unfortunately, for me to do so, I'll have to go against my own grain. I think it's for the better, though. I'm tired of trying to do the right thing and getting shit on for it. Current Mood: annoyed (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 10th, 2004
2:33 am	friday friday Whew. Relief! I had sent Nick an Easter box filled with goodies and it finally made it there. He knew a package was coming but he didn't know exactly what. I mailed it priority mail on Monday and it should have gotten there a couple of days before today. Bastards. I'm just grateful it finally made it. I was stressed out because I sent a lot of stuff and didn't insure it. Next time I'll definitely get insurance. I like sending him little surprises. Not just because he does the same for me, just because I like to make him happy. This past week I've had two people I really care about say some pretty hateful and unwarranted things to me. I know, I can be a bit harsh with people at times but I do try to keep from hurting people I care about. One of those hateful things was a barb aimed at Nick but it hit me pretty hard as well. It hurt because Nick is a part of me and I love him. Also, the insult wasn't worded very well and it ended up insulting me as well. I don't expect all my friends to like Nick (or anyone else I've dated). God knows, I don't always like who my friends date. There are ways around the potential problem. I thought this particular friend and I were past the "problem". I had made it a point to clarify some points with my friend, I wanted desperately for them to understand where I stood on certain matters. Apparently, they couldn't get past who I date. Oh, don't think that I gushed about Nick to this person. I realized their feelings about him and I made it a point not to bring him up to them. I can, believe it or not, carry on a conversation and not mention Nick or how much I love him. I'm not sure if this person will ever be able to see past who I date and remember that I am still an individual with my own thoughts and opinions. I hate that. I'm bothered by this because this person has said their "friends" often leave. Well, I never had any intention of leaving the friendship but I won't be abused and stick around. Current Mood: relaxed (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 7th, 2004
12:42 am	new shoes: 2 pair. new books: 3. I thought I had some really good news. Apparently, that was just a misunderstanding on my part. Never believe a man when his dick is hard. Current Mood: lethargic (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 3rd, 2004
12:25 am	ramble ramble ramble Thinking about visiting Pensacola this fall. I'm nervous, though. No, not about flying, that's the least of my concerns. I'm nervous about meeting Nick's friends and family. I won't freak about this from now until then, it's just that he and I were just discussing the visit. Of course he isn't worried about anything. They're HIS friends and family! I want to go to see where he grew up, where he hangs out...all the places he tells me about. I'm not really one to care what people in general think about me. These people are pretty specific, though. I know these people mean quite a bit to him and of course I want them to like me. I can't really think of any reason they wouldn't but, people are so unpredictable. I'd hate for anyone to refer to me as "that girl" or try to discourage him from being with me. Not that I think that would have any bearing on his feelings for me but it would make things easier if the people he cares about didn't detest me. I'm sure it won't be as bad as I'll make it out to be in my head. Besides, I'll be with him and that's all that will matter. I guess if he's been brave enough to meet my family and friends, I can do it too. He'll be back up here before this fall, though. I don't think either of us will ever be able to go six months without seeing each other again. August to February sucked, even with all the holidays...or maybe because of them. Who knows. I just split my bottom lip. As much as I obsess about keeping chapstick or lipstick on them you'd think that would be impossible. I've started taking a multi-vitamin in addition to the B-6 I take (almost) every day. I need them because I don't eat very well and I'm hoping I won't feel like the walking dead if I at least get the vitamins my body needs. I'm terrible about remembering to take pills, though. I only remember my bc because if I don't take them I'll bleed. Apparently, blood is a huge motivator for me. It's going well so far, even if it is only day two. Current Mood: silly (Comment on this)
12:13 am	Effort to maintain this thing. After I got off work this morning I went to breakfast with my friend, the one with the boyfriend she won't talk to. We were trying to kill time before appointments both of us had and since sex was not an option, food became the time killer of choice. After my appt, I decided to run a few errands since I would have never done them upon waking this afternoon. I was the walking dead. Working night shift sucks at times. I was awake for nearly twenty four hours before I went to bed. gah. Back to the non-talker, today I find out that her man hasn't even attempted to have sex with her in the last three weeks. This is a new relationship. This is a definite deal breaker in my book. It kind of pisses me off because when said friend confided that he sucked in bed, I encouraged her to teach him, have patience and stick with it! A tall order considering she won't talk to him about hardly anything important. When she confided the whole lack of interest thing, I jumped ship. I give up on him. I can barely even conceive of a man in a relationship not even attempting sex for a period of three weeks, barring personal injury or major life tragedy. And, no, I don't think he's getting it somewhere else. I'm just baffled by it all. I'm hoping she'll wake up and not let him move in with her. I predict heartbreak and headache if she does. As for my darling, N, he brought tears to my eyes the other day. Tears of happiness, that is. He surprised me with something so sweet and so romantic...it left me breathless and teary eyed. I won't share what it was here, musn't ruin his gangsta image and all. I just wish more people knew the N I know. Well, sometimes I wish that and sometimes I'm really grateful for knowing him in a way that nobody else does or can. Just know that it isn't easy to be my friend, nevertheless my boyfriend. He has the patience of a saint. Saint Nick. heh. I just hope he knows how much I love him and appreciate him. Current Mood: tired (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 1st, 2004
4:01 pm	Communication Why don't people talk to each other? More specifically, why don't people in relationships talk to each other? This has been driving me nuts for a couple of days now. You know, in between throwing up constantly. Yep, those little, wonderful creatures at work gave me a virus. Anyway, a friend of mine is driving me nuts about this whole not talking thing. I'll admit, I've been guilty of expecting men to read my mind and know what I want and need from them. The thing is, don't women (and men?) eventually outgrow this childish notion? This woman is older than me, has enough experience to know better and is actually pretty damn smart. She's dating this guy and while they seem to be able to talk about almost anything, they're not able to talk about what's important. Their wants and needs. To add an additional problem, they're on the verge of moving in together. She doesn't think he loves her, she doesn't think she gets the affection she needs from him, she isn't sure about where this relationship is going. Why do I know all this? Because she actually has been talking about all of these things...WITH ME. I can't fix any of them for her, as much as I would like to. I've told her, more times than I can count, that he is the one she should be talking to, not me. I'm not sure if she's afraid to upset this delicate relationship, or what. I don't mind listening to her and trying to figure out why he does this or that. It just drives me nuts that someone can be in what is suppose to be a mature, serious relationship and not be able to talk to their partner. That makes absolutely no sense to me. Current Mood: frustrated (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 29th, 2004
9:43 pm	I am such a girl Last night was pretty bad for me. I was in bed, reading, after having watched a movie and laughed quite a bit about ignorant shit with Erin. While I was reading, Erin was on the phone with the wonderful Mr. X. Don't get me wrong, I am more than grateful for Mr. X. He makes that girl smile a smile I haven't seen in a very long, long time. I love seeing her happy, it suits her better than she will ever know. Back to the bad night...Not only was E on the phone, I could hear my neighbors drunkenly stumble and laugh around their bedroom upstairs. It wasn't annoying, it was sweet. I really like to hear and see happy people. The part that got to me was that everyone around me had their someone. I was lonely. Yes, poor me. When I called Nick, my phone was fucking up and he couldn't hear half of what I was saying. Couple that frustration with my loneliness and the end result was me in tears. I hate to cry. Until Nick started coming and going, about the only time anyone would see me cry was when someone I loved died or when I was dangerously angry. I feel pretty pathetic and vulnerable when I cry. I feel it's a sign of weakness and in the back of my mind somewhere the voice of my father echos, "suck it up". I also feel bad when I cry while on the phone with Nick. He hates to see me upset and I am sure I make him feel quite helpless when I start blubbering. I also don't want to make him feel as if my sadness is his fault. I try to explain to him that whatever sadness this relationship may bring, the happiness more than compensates. Also, he soothes me like no other. Besides Erin, he is the only person I know with the ability to make me laugh and cry at the same time. Even though he could barely hear me, he kept talking to me. He told me I was spoiled. Well, I am and it's his fault. I won't ruin his image by posting why he's at fault but you just trust me on this. In other news, I finally started my second pack of pills and they are making me quite nauseous. At least I'm not pregnant! Current Mood: nauseated (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, February 27th, 2004
3:29 am	Obviously I really suck at updating this.  In my defense, I have been quite distracted lately.  Since that distraction is now gone, I plan on being much better about posting here.  What was the distraction?  His name is Nick.  I am sure most of you reading this know to whom I am referring.  I think it's funny, most people thought Nick and I just hooked up during krazyfest.  I tend to like when people just assume things about me and my life.  Anyway, he just came and spent two weeks with me.  I was a bit freaked before he got here because I am not really known to be able to spend that long with someone without wanting to kill them.  I thought for sure we would have some knock down, drag out fight(s) or he would just start to get on my nerves.  Don't get me wrong, I love him but I didn't know how well that love would hold up in a small apartment for two weeks straight. Well, all doubts I may have had were quite quickly erased.  To put it mildly, I thoroughly enjoyed the time we were able to spend together.  I also realized I could spend much, much longer than two weeks with him without him getting on my nerves.  I know it's quite cheesy and cliched but he has definitely become one of my best friends as well as my lova.  When he left in August, I couldn't stop crying.  It really was quite pathetic.  It was different when he left Sunday night.  Sure, I shed some tears a few days before and I got a bit misty eyed that night, but it was different.  When I finally had to walk away from him, it was almost as if I was too sad to cry.  I felt as if someone had punched me and knocked the wind right out of me.  I felt as if I were leaving a piece of myself behind.  In a way, I was.  It's been a horribly long time since I've loved a man.  I'm glad it's him. Current Mood: loved (5 Comments |Comment on this)